We're all a little fucked up.
We all have our story, our heartbreaks, our bruises, and our scars. Some may be deeper; more permanent than the others, but it doesn't make one less prominent than the other. If I have learned anything within this year, it's that I'm not the only broken one out there.

Fuck all the fuckers before they fucking fuck you. 

A levels was out and at first I was looking forward to how the others would fare for this as a third party. But after I heard of how one of my friend has to retake As because she failed her GP, it became terrifying. Would that be me if I did not retain in year one? Considering the fact that we had similar promos results but she managed to advance. It is such a horrible feeling thinking of retaking As. With no friends and all, maybe worse than retaining. But retaining is a different kind of pain which nobody would understand unless they really went through it. LIKE REALLY. I never believed in how my friends said they understand how I feel. BECAUSE THEY BLOODY DONT UNDERSTAND. Nobody would know I cried so many times in 2013 which is more than I ever did in from primary school to secondary school. The feelings fade eventually but it would never die down. You know you must let go of the past to feel better but you cant help it. Sometimes it is like there is nobody to talk to...

On the side note, my classmate's mother passed away this tuesday due to skin cancer. We went to attend her wake on thursday. I got reminded of my grandma who passed away a few months ago. And once again aware that there are many things in life which are more important than academic results and we should cherish them. Hope that my classmate would get better and let's all jiayou for As!


Life gives you shit. Always.

I am tired..
Tried of studying
Tried of trying to be nice
Tried of being surrounded by pretentious people
Tried of all the empty promises
Tried of being a spare tire
Tried of acting happy when I am not
Tried of  smiling when I want to cry
Tried of disappointments
Tried of having few friends to talk to
Tried of bottling up my feelings
Tried of being judged
Tried of the repetitive life
Tried of living

Sometimes I am just really tired of being tired 




26/01 It was my sis's birthday! She celebrated it in orchid country club and we all went to help her. It was quite a boring day but fun to see all my sis's friends. Haha. Apple came too! *thankful* Happy 21st Birthday to my sister! Officially an adult.

Key to happiness 

On the 29/01, my ah ma passed away. It was a shocking and saddening news for me which I still find it hard to believe in. I received my sis's text half-way through the lecture and I ended up crying. My friends were shocked and tried to comfort me but nothing can stop me once I started crying. All the emotions started pouring out and I just can't stop. Now that it is already the fourth day, I felt better but still feel sad whenever I think about. Hope that my ah ma will be happy in heavens and we will all miss you.

It will never be the same without you.

31/01 This year, it is such a different Chinese new year for us. I never knew that being able to eat a reunion dinner with parents, gamble at the others'  houses, visiting and take ootd would one day be something we couldn't do. I guess we should never take anything for granted and we should always be grateful for what we have today as we might not have it tomorrow.

Always cherish what you have 

It is already February omg.

Yesterday before sister came home, I was actually lying on the bed thinking about my life now. One of my friend in the clique keeps on reminding me about retaining which I really HATE it so much. She always like to say things like "Even yall(yy and I) are 18 alrd, we are still 17" or like "#happygirl96" kind of stuffs. This made me miss my 95 batch so muchhhhh. I hate it when they always say that I am older. Because the reason why I am older is the fact that I retained. Plus I don't like to text my friends about what happened in my life but I realised some of them in my clique always text each other. Like I feel quite left out... Maybe I am too anti-social but this makes me feel even worse. I don't even feel like going for outings or anything now. :( So the more I think about it, the more sad I became. In the end, I was crying my heart out on the bed. It lasted until I replied my sis wechat. At least after crying I felt a bit better. Now, I am drifting away from my friends, intentionally and unknowingly. No more common topics, no more study dates, rare common free times, tons of reasons to separate me from my sec friends. Especially when we are no putting in the efforts to meet too.. Feeling alone and sad, one year age difference, retaining, separate me from my jc clique. I am not as sociable as my retainee friend, like she will text/wa many ppl in the class. I only line with apple? I guess. Ohya, and I also don't like it when someone texts me, all she asks is homework!!! Like do I look like a problem-solving machine? PLEASE. She would not text me about fun stuffs but all question and question and question. TOTALLY TURN OFF AND PURPOSELY TAKE SUPER LONG TO REPLY. But I am proud to be a MUGGER now, I was totally wrong in 2012 when I did not want to be a mugger. Study is definitely one of the most impt things. Forget about all the fun and focus on studying. Anw not looking forward to cny this year. Hais. Do not even feel like visiting. Not like there is ang bao. Dance trying to convince me to go the stupid reunion lunch. SORRY TOO BAD IT IS GOING TO FAIL. I swear I am not going. DAMN FUCKING SURE ABOUT IT. Why bother to go with people with no common topics and all they are going to talk about would be lives after As. Not like I am not sad enough about it. Definitely don't want to spoil my mood for that day and waste my time going. JUST GONNA BE A LONER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Instead of living in a world full of hypocrites, I would rather live alone.